Everyone has their own definition of what love is. Take a moment and think about what your definition is? What does love feel like to you? How do you show it and how is it shown to you? Think about your current and past relationships. Some were probably more meaningful that others. Which ones do you wish worked out? Why didn’t they?

When it comes to relationships, two of the most important things to realize are 1) what phase of your life you are in and 2) what kind of relationship are you looking for. In my early twenties I so desperately wanted to settle down and get married. I thought that is what you should do right after college. After all thats what my parents did, and that what some of my friends were doing. But looking back, I had no business being in a serious relationship. I was still trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. Could I really be in a serious relationship without knowing myself? Furthermore, could I be a true partner to someone without knowing myself? A good friend of mine recently ended a relationship with someone that could have been the love of her life. They were compatible in every way except that he was significantly younger, and still needed to figure out who he was. He couldn’t be the partner that she needed, nor could she give him the freedom to find out who he was outside of the relationship.

Obviously, not all love relationships are the “life partner” kind. Its important to recognize and be okay with that. We can learn so much from both past and present relationships. Often one of the most important things we learn is what we don’t want.

We all have had or know of someone that has had that relationship that was filled with intense passion and more drama than a soap opera. You think to yourself, if I can feel this high in a relationship then this must be the one! Why don’t we also think the opposite? If I feel this low when I am with this person maybe they are not the one and I should move on?

I think the goal to finding your life partner is knowing yourself and knowing what you need. Note that there is a difference in knowing what you need and what you want. We all want someone who looks good, who makes us laugh, has a great paying job, etc. I think we all need someone who supports us in what we do, who is loyal to us, who respects us, and who trusts us. Before we can find that person, we need to be that person. We also need to love ourselves. Loving yourself starts when you accept yourself, for who you are. That includes accepting your faults and shortcomings. We are human and that is all we can be, nothing more, nothing less. Do you show the world the real you or is it a mask? Loving yourself means doing good things for your body, mind, spirit. This includes eating healthy, exercise, limiting that amount of alcohol you consume, stop smoking, learn something new, challenge yourself mentally and physically, connect with the world around you. The list of positive things is endless. Doing good things for yourself includes respecting yourself. Are you able to love yourself? If not how can you start?

Another thing one must consider when starting a relationship is not only if you know yourself but does your partner? If not, can you find yourselves while being together. Can you support and grow with each other?

Picture your relationship as a house. Personally, I see love as the mortar that holds the “bricks” of a relationship/house together. You can have all the mortar in the world, but a house cannot be built of mortar alone. The bricks are the essential building blocks of a relationship such as respect, loyalty, friendship, admiration, and trust. A healthy relationship must consist of two individuals who respect, admire, and trust each other. Loyalty and friendship are built off of those three things, you cannot have these without them. The foundation consists of values and beliefs, “how you see the world”. Do you and your partner see the world in similar ways? If not can you accept and understand the differences between your views and those of your partner. This is what a true life partner/marriage relationship can be built on.

What does the rest of the relationship house consist of? The doors are entryways. Do you allow others to enter into your relationship or are your doors closed off. The windows allow a view inside your relationship. Who is allowed to see inside? Inside are the memories, events, and actions that build the relationship. Love needs a solid foundation, its needs structure. A house is a basic structure, the more love and nurturance you put into it is what makes it a home.

Relationships can be the hardest things in the world to be in because we can never control someone else’s thoughts and feelings. Reflect upon yourself and either what it is you have in your current relationship or what you are looking for in your future relationship.

In solitude we give passionate attention to our lives, to our memories, to the details around us.

Virginia Woolf

I am a woman on the go.  How about you?  As women wearing multiple hats, we are in high demand! We are busy being mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, aunts, granddaughters, employees, community members, and volunteers for various programs.  We organize and orchestrate how our homes are run, our children’s activities, the office holiday parties and it seems like everything else around us. Get the point?

We care for so many people and projects  that we frequently forget to care for ourselves!  For so many of us,  we strive to create balance  in our homes.  Yet we forget to consider how important it is to create balance in our own lives.

So, what happens when we  don’t take the time to create balance? Depression and fatigue can increase,  which  leads to anger and resentment.   These emotions may be expressed either externally- yelling and screaming or internally; feeling sad and overwhelmed.   We frequently try to find balance and serenity in our  lives but don’t take the time to do what it takes to achieve it.

There are ways to create balance and harmony in life but it takes commitment and a realization that balance is  important in your life. There needs  to be a willingness to make changes and put yourself first. Here are some helpful tips to get started.

1.  Develop a list of your values and priorities. When you review the list determine if how you are spending your days are consistent with your values. Ask yourself, “is this how I want my life to be?” If your daily activities are not in tune with your values and  priorities, identify what changes you can make and how to make them. Be creative!  All too often, when we are scared of change it is hard  to find a solution. Allow yourself time to brainstorm ideas.
2. Begin to set boundaries and learn to say “no.” If you are being asked to do something that is not in line with your values and priorities, why would you say yes?
3. Allow those around you to help. Some neighborhoods have begun to organize potlucks to alleviate some of the pressure of cooking every night. They also share carpooling with other parent   Why not allow those at home with help with laundry?  You can help by not caring on how the towels are folded!
4. Start your day off focused on you and your sense of peace. Get up early in the morning and focus on what you enjoy- reading, praying or simply drinking coffee in the quiet.
5. Exercise and eat healthy. You won’t let your children sit around for days at a time, eating whatever they have time for, while not getting any fresh air!  Why would you accept this type of behavior from yourself?
6. If you don’t feel like you can find ways to begin creating balance, considering outside assistance maybe helpful.  

Now is the time to begin to do what it takes to create balance in your life.  Finding balance allows us to “give passionate attention to our lives.” Isn’t it time?

Children, teens, and their families seek us for counseling with impulse control difficulties, poor attention skills, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, and esteem problems. Fortunately today, we have parents that are more knowledgeable about their child’s mental health and the importance of counseling.

There seems to be an increased frequency of diagnosed disorders whether coming from professionals, parents, or peers. For example, the diagnosis of attention, bipolar, or autistic disorders seems quite prevalent. The most recent shock was the report that autism symptoms are found in 1 of 150-165 children! Yet, actual epidemiological studies

(DSM-IV) report the number of autism cases at 2-5 per 10,000. Perhaps it is a way to explain behaviors that are difficult to amend, or there is greater clarity in diagnosing the disorder. Therefore, we make special effort to provide a thorough assessment of every child.

Clinically, disorders of childhood are often times categorized to help professionals understand the primary difficulty that a child may be experiencing. For instance, ADHD, child disruptive disorder, and impulse control disorder are classified as disorders of ‘under control’. Anxiety, phobia, and obsessive compulsive disorders are seen as disorders of ‘over control’. Asperger’s Disorder and Pervasive Developmental Disorder are seen as disorders of ‘social integration’. Depression and Bipolar Disorder are seen as disorders of ‘mood regulation’. These classifications are important because they suggest the causes and symptoms of the problem. This also helps us in choosing a sound treatment approach. 

Multiple causality is a term indicating that disorders have several causes. It is human nature to seek one factor, or explanation, for problems or disorders. For instance, with ADHD, of which there are three types, children are frequently medicated to improve attention and decrease hyperactivity. This single intervention suggests that ADHD has a neurological basis. But what about other contributing factors? Neurology is the single and most significant factor. However, problem solving, self-appraisal, and family and social environments may be influential as well. In counseling children and teens, we provide education about these factors and how each must be addressed.  This is always done respectful of the child’s age and abilities.

In counseling children and adolescents we use several interventions, or modes of treatment. To appropriately compliment individual counseling, there should be child and family education about the problem, family support, family therapy (as needed), social/recreational/church activities, physician consultation (as needed), networking with school professionals, and making use of the child’s or teens individual talents and strengths. This is referred to as multi-modal planning, a model for providing quality care.

As we use the concepts of multiple causality and multi-modal planning, evidence-based standards are applied to insure the quality of care. This means that we use the most recent and accepted interventions that are professionally researched and practiced. It is of great value to insure that children, teens, and their families receive the most up-to-date and clinically researched care. We provide counseling that is time-framed, meaning that we estimate the number of sessions and the frequency of sessions to bring about change creatively, efficiently, and ethically.