I was blessed with two very loving parents. My mother played games with my sister and I when dad worked late hours. She had a beautiful voice, having been a professional singer before marriage. She often sang with us. I treasured those moments. She talked about her childhood and life experiences. I was very connected to her sensitivity and calming.

My father provided great security as well. We built structures with my Lincoln Logs and Erector Set. We glued together countless model airplanes and cars. We drew buildings, people, planes, scenery, and houses. We took long walks, played catch together for years, and most of all, he talked to me about his childhood and life. He, like mom, offered me wisdom about friends, enemies, feelings, God, and many facts about people and science. Dad seemed prescient about the impending behavior of people. Also, both he and Mom tried to teach me about how to stop annoying my sister or driving them crazy. They had only limited success in these areas! As a grown man today, their thoughts and words are part of my soul. Often times, at the cemetery, or other places of reflection, I look to the sky in emotionally accented gratitude.

I have been blessed to be a father of two girls who have matured into wonderful women. I give credit to God and my bride for who they have become. From the gifts of my own childhood, I was able to be close to the girls from birth. I embraced their world and logic at different points of development. Often times I say that children were created to raise their parents! Indeed, I have learned much through their thoughts, experiences, and emotions. Frequently, I have asked myself, “How does the world look through the eyes of my children?”

What I once thought to be a difficult task, working with children has become a place of comfort.  Education and training, recollection of childhood experiences, and being a father, have been cornerstones for engaging children in counseling.

Before a meet a child for counseling, I obtain an idea of what a child is like upon the referral of the parents. They are the experts of their own children. Most often, parents have a sound understanding of what the world looks like through their child’s eyes. I share with parents how to bridge, or prepare, their child for coming to therapy. I advise them to use the concept of a “tutor” for solving problems, developing control, changing behaviors, or managing emotions.

When I work with children, we draw or build with blocks, creating symbols of a relationship, and the targeted problem for change. Visual symbolism, developing notebooks from ‘tutoring’, or creating props for reminders are powerful as a foundation for behavioral change. I give them as much control over a foreign context as possible, and make assumptions about what they are experiencing. The ‘magic thought’ or “The change that you would make if you had all the power in the world” is often times introduced to identify the child’s perspective of the problem. Simplicity, comfort, and straight forwardness are what children frequently respond to. I let children know that their parents will be part of counseling, since I “tutor” them also. Subsequently, therapy is redefined, trusting, non-threatening, and bridged between the session and home.

As always, thanks, in perpetuity, to my mother and father…

In order for us to have a healthy relationship we need to tend to it.

99 Percent of the couples we see come in saying that we need to “talk” more, to “communicate” better. Honestly, what they need to do is stop talking and start doing!

Our words become meaningless if there is no action to back them up. You can tell your spouse “I love you” a million times but if you don’t show them how you love them they wont know. Healthy relationships aren’t built on just words, they are built on life experiences; what we do together, what we do for each other, and for ourselves. Start doing things again!

10 easy ways to reconnect throughout your week:

1. Send a quick text message telling your partner that your are thinking about them and that you love them. “Hey hun, hope your day is going well. Love you!” It goes a long way.
2. Kiss your partner before leaving every morning and greet your partner when they come home.
3. Eat at least 1 meal a day together sitting down with no TV on. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I’m a huge proponent of family meals. Use this time to reconnect. Ask each other questions. Be silly.
4. Make each other feel special. Look back to when you were dating each other, what did you do? Start incorporating those activities back into your relationship.
5. Sleep in the same bed. No excuses!
6. Give your partner an unexpected gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive.
7. Make time for sex.
8. Kiss and hug often
9. Exercise together. An evening walk, a jog, a bike ride
10. Take a class or join a local amateur sports league together.

They are supposed to be “the best years of your life”, but I have never found a person who believes this to be so.  How we look, what we say, and how we perform in school and sports never seems to be scrutinized to the same degree as it is in those 4 years.

So, the question remains: Can anyone get out of high school with his or her self-esteem fully intact? I believe it is possible, but there are many things that need to be kept in perspective along the way:

1. Your “popularity” does not determine how successful you will be, or how attractive you are.  The criteria for being popular in high school often doesn’t fit what makes us appealing in the adult world, and it does not define your place in the world. You are an individual who has numerous gifts and skills that don’t always show in adolescence.
2. Making a mistake will not determine your future. While getting in trouble, or getting an F is never a positive experience, be careful to avoid viewing it as a catastrophe.  Fear of never recovering can be a slippery slope, and learning from a mistake or two (or three) is the correct step after a blunder. Take the positive lesson from each experience, set goals, and keep moving forward!
3. There is a much bigger world out there for you! Although our world can feel like it is ending when we fail a test or our best friend stabs us in the back, you have your whole life ahead of you.  There are thousands of people and experiences waiting for you after high school, and the negative events can’t scare you from opening up once you pass the threshold into the real world!

5:20 Monday Morning, let the dog in

5:21 Monday Morning realize that the dog has been sprayed by a skunk and has been running around the house, making the house; kids and everything else smell horrible.

Then I realized, I have to go to work. And now I smell somewhat skunk-like also.

Not the way to start the workweek.

So, I went to work. That’s what had to be done. And, yes, I smelled a bit.

I had to make a decision, ignore my smell or acknowledge it and embrace it. I could not change the situation and realized, dogs get sprayed by skunks and I had to deal with it. So, I decided to tell my clients what happened when they came in and something happened during therapy that day that I want to share.

Dr. Brene Brown says the following:

“Authenticity is a daily practice. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be emotionally honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we are suppose to be and embrace who we are. 

Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving-even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with shame and fear of not being enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul searching struggling is how we invite grace, joy and gratitude in our lives.”

I was able to see that by being vulnerable the connections with my clients grew. They were able to open up even more about their struggles.

Then I began to think about relationships in general. Relationships require us to be vulnerable. By being vulnerable, we allow those in our lives to know us on a deeper level. Being vulnerable means that we have to lean into discomfort, sharing what we don’t want to share despite being embarrassed or ashamed. It means trusting those of us that love us to know the good, the bad and the ugly and in return they are able to share their good, bad and ugly stuff.  Both end up loving and caring for each other more because they know the other in a more personal, more human level. This is what deep relationships are founded on. This is what keeps them real and honest.

However, being venerable can be scary. What if you are rejected and ridiculed? What if it doesn’t work out the way we want it to? Then you are even more vulnerable. But, part of being in a relationship–friendships, marriages, families–means that you might be hurt or those around you might not react to what you are telling them the way you want them to.

So, what do you do? Realize what you like about you. Embrace who you are. Develop a strong sense that this is who I am, I like me, I hope you like me to, but I am going to be me and this is who I am. Once you believe in you, wanting to be completely honest about who and what you are becomes easier. You take the chance and through these chances, you develop deeper connections with others.

Take a chance to let those that love you, love all of you.

I realized that by smelling like a skunk and acknowledging it, I was not rejected, embarrassed, but instead I was embraced and given considerable empathy. It changed relationships that day. I took a chance.

And a little ps- tomato juice DOES NOT work.  Vinegar and four baths later are the way to go, but I am not expert on skunk spray.

When did you begin doing volunteer work in suicide prevention and what led to your decision?

I became involved with AFSP (The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) in 2006. It started with walking 20 miles, overnight, to raise funds for AFSP. I walked another overnight walk in 2009. After this walk, I attended a legislation conference in Washington DC, with the purpose to educate legislators on suicide prevention and mental health issues. This trip was when I became actively involved in the organization.

I chose to become involved after my step-sister Jennifer completed suicide and I needed an outlet to cope with her death. I did not want my grief to define her life.  Jennifer’s death altered me and my family and I wanted to become involved in part of the solution.

Share some of your reflections about Jennifer.  What was she like?

The picture above of Jennifer when she graduated high school in 1994 is my favorite.  She was passionate about life and attended college majoring in special education.  She loved her family, but her favorite was her dog Hailey.  Jennifer was fun, independent, and full of life, most of the time.  However, she suffered with severe depression for most of her teen and early adult years.  It was debilitating and drained the life out of her.  Our family did the best we could to care for her.  Then on June 25, 1998 Jennifer could bear it no more.  She took her life.  It was a shock to our entire family.

How did this painful experience influence the path your life would follow?

I wanted to take action to prevent suicide and to reach out to those that lost loved ones to suicide.  It started out very personal for me and has grown since meeting so many families that have lost their loved ones to suicide.  I am constantly humbled when they share their stories of pain and healing with me.  When my sister died no one would say the word “suicide” and few people acknowledged her death. That was one of the most difficult aspects of the death. I wanted to ensure that if someone loses a loved one to suicide, they are able to talk about it.

For those whose lives have been impacted by a completed suicide of a loved one, friend, or co-worker, what advice can you give them? 

Talk about it. Find those that are willing to listen. Share not only the story of their death, but the stories of their lives. Educate yourself about suicide. Consider attending a support group that understands how suicide impacts families.

What advice can you give to someone who is having suicidal thoughts? 

Talk to someone, right away. Don’t suffer with those feelings alone. There are people that will understand and listen.  Talk to a friend, family member, therapist. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1800-273-TALK (8255).  You can also go to your local ER and they will help to refer you to services that will help. Keep talking until you get the help you need.Talk about it. Find those that are willing to listen. Share not only the story of their death, but the stories of their lives. Educate yourself about suicide. Consider attending a support group that understands how suicide impacts families.

Having had the opportunity to learn from many people in a host of settings, I was able to connect the key points that make therapy effective. There are differences in individual, couple, family, and children’s therapy. I will discuss these approaches in future writings. For the integrity of this article, I want to focus on an approach to treating some common disorders that adults bring into counseling. Generally, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, impulse control disorders, and inattention are most common. Nevertheless, substance abuse is a significant problem that crosses the desks of all clinicians.

When a client calls for an appointment, the therapist obtains a ‘snapshot’ of the problem. An appointment is made for an assessment. The assessment should include medical, developmental, learning, emotional, intellectual, and emotional domains. The onset of the problem, its symptoms, and severity are clarified. Often times a survey, universally accepted questionnaire, or preliminary testing instrument are used at the time of assessment.

Conceptualization, or understanding of the problem, is shared with the client. Given that the therapist is correct in judgment, a path to solving the problem is shared.  This should include how counseling will be provided. Coinciding with this provision, when and how often the sessions will be conducted is discussed. Measures of change, or symptom reduction, are initially identified. Potential closure of counseling is sometimes discussed with the client. This overview often gives direction to the counseling process and is reassuring for clients.

Upon this initial engagement, the therapist articulates a more specific plan to resolving the problem.  The therapist should identify exactly how a client experiences his symptoms. A disorder is divided into five categories: physical symptoms and behaviors, personality traits, problem solving style, operational beliefs, and relationship style. Symptoms are identifiable under each category. A ‘configuration’, or connection between categories, is estimated with the client. Education about the causes and treatment of symptoms is provided. Specific symptoms are targeted for reduction, using cognitive and behavioral strategies. These strategies should be equivalent to “Evidenced-Based Practice Guidelines”. These are standards that therapists are taught to help clients overcome symptoms.

Usually clients have other challenges that overlap the presented issue. Problems may include marital difficulties, struggling with children or teens, job loss, financial pressures, illness in other family members, and so on. The therapist must offer “solution-based therapy’ to these problems while helping the client manage the primary identified symptoms concurrently. Psychodynamic therapy is used when long-term and severe life problems exist.

Given that this core of therapy is effective, a seventy-percent reduction in symptom severity is customary, other work is required. Identifying and countering symptom relapse and formulating an aftercare plan is needed. The aftercare plan is like a ‘check-up’. The goal is to maintain the gains from therapy and insure that the client is functioning well.

Although this article is merely a quick glimpse of the counseling process, it is important to note that the counselor’s training and ‘bed-side’ manner are to the client’s liking. Remember, there is a general way to conduct therapy, but it is how therapy is provided that defines it as “a practice of the healing arts”.  Like any other healthcare professional, being comfortable with a psychotherapist is extremely important. Each person must trust their instincts with who they share many aspects of their personal life.

Contact Scott: scott@lifeworkcounseling.net

I am writing to women of all ages. Soon after we are married and start a family, our identity needs come from these roles.  Gradually we lose connection with our inner self as we juggle the responsibilities of wife, mother and for some, career.  Without flinching we can multitask our roles as supporter, nurturer, mother, housekeeper, teacher, cook, doctor, chauffeur, wife, and career woman.  For most women, life revolves around our family, therefore our responsibilities are never far from our thoughts.  Consequently, we may lose our self-identity because we no longer have time to be alone with ourselves and just be. We are in danger of losing touch with our essence due to our preoccupation with caring for the needs of others.

Then one day, we wake up and suddenly we are empty nesters. It was easy to laugh and joke about it as we anticipated this moment. However, for many of us the reality is quite different. The empty nest can feel despairingly quiet and lonely, giving way to self-doubt and fear. Moreover, at this stage of life many of us have experienced pain, sorrow, shattered dreams, and loss of relationship.  Others have found themselves in places they would never have imagined, facing a future that seems more unpredictable as time ticks away.  The Hallmark card dream life they imagined for themselves turned out to be an illusion.

No matter what age, as adult women we must allow ourselves time to ask what we are feeling and what we really want. I do not mean writing down our goals for life. I mean sitting in silence, reflecting on our life, getting in touch with what we are feeling, and asking questions of ourselves. Who am I?  What am I feeling?  What do I want?  Some, let others answer these questions for them when truly we are the only ones who must answer for ourselves.

When I envision myself on a beach looking at the blue ocean and listening to its rhythm I ask myself these questions. What was weighing me down slowly evaporates and the self-protective mask is removed so that vulnerability and empowerment shine through. For some, your sense of self may be nourished by journaling, yoga, or walking in the forest.  For others, you are centered by your spirituality, art, or reading.

In some cases, the journey of self-discovery is better served when you have a guide or companion.  Especially if you feel pain, sadness, rejection, disappointment, or loss it is an opportunity to become stronger, wiser, and find clarity. Life is a journey of change, growth and development. Through these life experiences we often find new meaning and purpose.

One way to process the nurturing of your essence is through counseling.  As a professional counselor, I will listen to you and guide you in the process of self-discovery, your authentic self.  Being free to be who you are releases the natural change processes, for example “letting go” and shedding certain beliefs about yourself that keep you stuck. It will be an opportunity for you to remove those barriers that stand in the way of moving forward.  I look forward to walk this journey with you as a guide helping you discover your true essence.

Contact me: tami@lifeworkcounseling.net

Every one of us has our “issues”. Whether it is relationship problems, past traumatic experiences, difficult family dynamics, or career/money concerns, our mood and emotional well being is affected by these dilemmas.  How can we make it through these more difficult phases with our relationships, dreams, and emotional stability intact? There are a few things I believe are important to remember when you feel you have been blindsided by a problem or bad luck:

1. You have made it through difficult times before- I know when we are feeling “stuck”, we can’t see how we have managed to pull ourselves out in the past, but look to your experiences as a way to grow and learn for future plights.  This is not the first, nor will it be the last time you are struggling. You have gotten through it before. Know that you will come out this time as well.
2. Keep your thoughts and feelings in control by expressing them- Whether this be journaling, talking to friends and family, or seeking professional assistance from a counselor, don’t feel you have to do this all on your own.  By unleashing your feelings and thoughts from inside, you can take their intensity down a few notches and sort them so they do not feel as overwhelming.
3. Don’t dwell on mistakes you have made that have put you here- Learn from your past mistakes and move forward!  Negative self-talk and dwelling on your faults will keep you in the “stuck” place.  Make realistic goals for yourself and knock them out one by one.
4. You are worthy of being in a happier state- No one is perfect, and not one of us has lived without making (huge!) mistakes.  You are an individual, and you are on your own journey through life. What has happened to you, and what you have done in the past can be healed and learned from.  You have something to offer that no one else is this world does, and dwelling on the negative will not help you figure that out any faster.

We married on May 9th, moved into our new home on August 1st and on August 29th, our beautiful daughter Rorie was born.  We brought her home and everything in life seemed perfect.  Everything fell into place so nicely.  However, the perfect picture was soon shattered when less than a month afterwards our daughter passed away on Sept 27th, from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

Death was the one thing that wasn’t planned for that year, especially not the death of our daughter. I’ve come to learn that there are few things worse in life than losing someone you love suddenly, losing your child being the worst. There is no preparation, no advance notice. It wasn’t like planning our wedding, or preparing for her birth. It wasn’t like studying for an exam or writing a paper. There is no manual that tells you what to do or that your beautiful, healthy, strong baby might just slip away from you in the night. There’s nothing! But out of all of the nothingness, there is something. There is sadness, pain, heartache, tears, love, kindness, compassion, hope, and life. Throughout and above all there is love.

I have begun to see life as a school. We are all students and teachers in our own rights. It seems that the hardest lessons we learn in life come from loss. Not only are they the hardest, but they must be learned for reasons that will remain unknown until the day that our own time comes to leave this world. Not all of these life lessons have remained a secret.

Rorie taught me more about life and love in the 29 days she was here than I had ever known in the 31 years that I have been. She also taught me about faith, pure and simple; a faith that isn’t clouded by religion. I now know that this life isn’t it for us, there is something else out there, a place where we’ll all be together again. Life continues. We need to slow down and enjoy our time here and the people around us. I’ve also learned that love never dies. Our bodies may die but our spirits do not. The love that we have for those we have lost will always be there.

Losing Rorie has taught me about compassion and kindness. I have never known nor could have imagined that people could be so kind, strangers so compassionate. I’m beyond grateful to those who have showed this to me. I now know how much a little bit of kindness may mean to someone else. We all suffer through things in life; compassion from others eases the blow. I hope that I can repay those who have been so wonderful to me throughout all of this by helping someone else in need.

Moving forward after any significant loss is never easy. Its often physically painful. It can leave you feeling empty inside. Many people feel as though they are betraying the person who passed by returning to life. For myself, I had to make a conscious decision not to “move on” but to “move forward” with my life. I felt getting back to “life” would in some way honor my daughter. Life would never be the “normal” that I knew before her. She had forever changed me and I would have to find a new “normal.”

I have always known that I wanted to help others, sometimes specific groups of people, sometimes general. I’ve learned that there is a community of people out there larger than there ought to be, hidden away like a taboo subject. I’ve met so many moms and dads, like myself, that suffer silently, because the pain is at times just too much to deal with. Others try to reach out, but do not know what to do or say.  I hope that some day I can help some of those moms and dads. Not only because I know their pain, but because there is a need. My loss has led me be give back and help other parents like myself.  I’m currently in the process of becoming Certified in Grief Counseling.

Looking back and through it all I’m grateful. Of course I would have liked for the outcome of that year to be very different than it was, to never know this type of pain. But I’m grateful for the time she was physically here with us. Rorie will always play a very important role in our family and in many ways has helped us move forward. In her brief time here she taught my husband and I just how amazing it is to be parents. We wanted that again. We knew we were meant to have children. Six months after Rorie passed we became pregnant with our son Matthew. He has brought so much joy and light back into our lives. I know she picked him especially for us.

For those who recently suffered a loss, I would like to share a few things to be aware of as you go through your journey with grief and strive to move forward.

There are lots of decisions to make. Many are very painful. Be kind on yourself and take your time in making them. Try not to make major life changing decisions within the first 6 months if you can help it.

No two people grieve the same way. Each loss is unique to the person just as the relationship to the loved one was unique. Be patient with those around you and let them know that you need them to be patient with you.

Grief is a roller coaster, you have good days and you have bad days. Enjoy the good ones and try not to feel guilty about it. Your passed loved one would want to to find happiness again.

Surround yourself with people who can support you.  Limit your contact with those who cannot. If you find it difficult finding support among your family and friends, reach out to a support group in your area or online for those going through a similar type of loss.

Do something to honor your loved one. Whether that be planting a tree or running a charity race in their name, you will feel better knowing that you are keeping their memory alive and honoring the love you have for them.

You can let the loss hold you back from your life or you can face it head on and move forward, at some point you will have to choose. If you feel overwhelmed by your loss please seek professional help.

If you would like help in processing your loss she can be reached at: 630-655-0404 or by email at Annie@lifeworkcounseling.net

Everyone has their own definition of what love is. Take a moment and think about what your definition is? What does love feel like to you? How do you show it and how is it shown to you? Think about your current and past relationships. Some were probably more meaningful that others. Which ones do you wish worked out? Why didn’t they?

When it comes to relationships, two of the most important things to realize are 1) what phase of your life you are in and 2) what kind of relationship are you looking for. In my early twenties I so desperately wanted to settle down and get married. I thought that is what you should do right after college. After all thats what my parents did, and that what some of my friends were doing. But looking back, I had no business being in a serious relationship. I was still trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. Could I really be in a serious relationship without knowing myself? Furthermore, could I be a true partner to someone without knowing myself? A good friend of mine recently ended a relationship with someone that could have been the love of her life. They were compatible in every way except that he was significantly younger, and still needed to figure out who he was. He couldn’t be the partner that she needed, nor could she give him the freedom to find out who he was outside of the relationship.

Obviously, not all love relationships are the “life partner” kind. Its important to recognize and be okay with that. We can learn so much from both past and present relationships. Often one of the most important things we learn is what we don’t want.

We all have had or know of someone that has had that relationship that was filled with intense passion and more drama than a soap opera. You think to yourself, if I can feel this high in a relationship then this must be the one! Why don’t we also think the opposite? If I feel this low when I am with this person maybe they are not the one and I should move on?

I think the goal to finding your life partner is knowing yourself and knowing what you need. Note that there is a difference in knowing what you need and what you want. We all want someone who looks good, who makes us laugh, has a great paying job, etc. I think we all need someone who supports us in what we do, who is loyal to us, who respects us, and who trusts us. Before we can find that person, we need to be that person. We also need to love ourselves. Loving yourself starts when you accept yourself, for who you are. That includes accepting your faults and shortcomings. We are human and that is all we can be, nothing more, nothing less. Do you show the world the real you or is it a mask? Loving yourself means doing good things for your body, mind, spirit. This includes eating healthy, exercise, limiting that amount of alcohol you consume, stop smoking, learn something new, challenge yourself mentally and physically, connect with the world around you. The list of positive things is endless. Doing good things for yourself includes respecting yourself. Are you able to love yourself? If not how can you start?

Another thing one must consider when starting a relationship is not only if you know yourself but does your partner? If not, can you find yourselves while being together. Can you support and grow with each other?

Picture your relationship as a house. Personally, I see love as the mortar that holds the “bricks” of a relationship/house together. You can have all the mortar in the world, but a house cannot be built of mortar alone. The bricks are the essential building blocks of a relationship such as respect, loyalty, friendship, admiration, and trust. A healthy relationship must consist of two individuals who respect, admire, and trust each other. Loyalty and friendship are built off of those three things, you cannot have these without them. The foundation consists of values and beliefs, “how you see the world”. Do you and your partner see the world in similar ways? If not can you accept and understand the differences between your views and those of your partner. This is what a true life partner/marriage relationship can be built on.

What does the rest of the relationship house consist of? The doors are entryways. Do you allow others to enter into your relationship or are your doors closed off. The windows allow a view inside your relationship. Who is allowed to see inside? Inside are the memories, events, and actions that build the relationship. Love needs a solid foundation, its needs structure. A house is a basic structure, the more love and nurturance you put into it is what makes it a home.

Relationships can be the hardest things in the world to be in because we can never control someone else’s thoughts and feelings. Reflect upon yourself and either what it is you have in your current relationship or what you are looking for in your future relationship.